I don't remember ordering a piece of arse with my coffee!

White? With one cheek or two?  Photo by Visivasnc

White? With one cheek or two?

Photo by Visivasnc


There are just some things that don't sit well with me. Like going to a cafe for instance and seeing butt poking out from very high-cut shorts, and not from a fellow patron mind you, but from a staff member. Really?? When did this become okay? When did dressing like this, in an eating establishment, when you're serving food become acceptable? At what point did this revolting shift in dressing for work happen?

I don't want to see anyone's arse while I'm drinking a coffee or eating food! I don't care how grungy, groovy, hip, hipster, funky or nonchalant a cafe might be, staff displaying arse is simply not on. 

This ultra-relaxed attitude permeates other areas of cafe culture too - the bathrooms! I've lost count of how many times I've gone to use the loo and gagged just a little at either the site of someone else's shit smears in the bowl, an over powering urine stench or grime so severe that while I try to work out how I'm going to pee, wipe, wash my hands and open the door without touching a single bloody surface with any part of my body, I almost get a brain cramp.

One butt-free coffee thanks!

One butt-free coffee thanks!


Then there's the dilemma of the missing toilet paper, no soap, or nothing to dry your hands on or even worse, a saturated sloppy hand towel. But the worst case scenario is, without a doubt, when all three of these are missing.

I've had the misfortune to see and experience some truly disgusting toilets, here and overseas, and I don't understand how this crucial space in any eating establishment goes so unnoticed. For me it sets the scene and speaks volumes about the owner, management and all the staff. It screams: 'You are gross people with super low standards in cleanliness and you are all fucking lazy too!' I also NEVER go back to places with disgusting toilets that aren't stocked, cleaned and maintained and where my exit strategy involved the toilet paper-on-the-door-handle technique followed by the foot in the door and a swift elbow nudge manoeuvre.

Another substandard cafe ritual I've seen far too many times is the wiping of the table with a rag so distressed and drenched in grey water that it merely redistributes the mess and results in a streaky moist finish. 

I'm also grossed out by staff who look like they haven't showered in days, and have caked on makeup that's at least two days old, or they wear open shoes only to expose blackened heels and weeks-old chipped nail polish. None of this is appetite inducing! And to think they'll be handling my cutlery and carrying my food just makes things worse. 

Keep your grubby hands off the pointy end of my cutlery

Keep your grubby hands off the pointy end of my cutlery


And why, oh why do so many cafe staff pick up glasses and coffee cups by the rim?! Man that shits me! Get your grubby hands off the part of the cup that's going to touch my mouth! It's common sense people. After all, I don't know where your hands have been? But what I do know, is that if you don't give a shit about the cleanliness of your toilets, you come to work looking like you've just pulled an all-nighter, because you're hungover like a dog and your eyeballs are falling out of your face, and you show me your arse - I'll never ever be back.